Do you ever just feel like you must be the hardest person in the world to please? You look back at your relationships and the thing that seems to be the common denominator is you. They were different people, sure there were some similarities but ultimately it was you who felt unloved, you who felt like you gave and gave and they took and took, but it was you. You were the common denominator. You were the problem, my happiness or lack there of was the problem. So is it my incessant need to be happy that is the problem?
Sometimes I look at myself and I’m like F**K, you’re just another f**king millennial. You want more. You aren’t satisfied with what you have. You actually want to be happy in everything!!! Like are you f**king delusional, don’t you know you can’t be happy all the time in this world? Then I ask myself why can’t I want that, why can’t I want to be happy, what’s so wrong with that? Well quite simply I think wanting to be happy all the time just leaves you disappointed, because it’s not realistic. So by wanting to be happy all the time you’re kind of inadvertently setting yourself up for long term unhappiness.
We want the career we love, we want the house that has all the stuff we “need”, we want the car that’s shiny and pretty, we want the partner that’s amazing, the love that’s never ending, the occasional vacations to relax (probably from all that happiness), and the occasional excitement just to remind you that you are alive. But I’m just not so sure that it’s right anymore. I’m not even sure all those things line up with my happiness. In fact I’m not even sure I want to be happy all the time. Without the saddest moments in my life I wouldn’t be who I am today. Without those moments I would probably be a much more shallow, much more selfish, basic bitch. So yeah maybe I don’t want happiness all the time. But then you’re left with the question what do you want?
What a simple question. What do you want? So simple… so simple my ass! Can you just not know what you want? Is that normal? Is my inability to know what I want just completely ridiculous? Or is it that I do know and I just can’t hear myself? Is it that I do know but the things I want completely contradict each other or are just not plausible? It’s cliche but maybe I don’t know what I want because my heart wants one thing, and my head wants another. Which do you choose in the end? Your head or your heart? I’ve tried both and both ended. As an ultimately logically person, head seems to make more sense. Your brain protects you from hurt and makes straight forward, thought out decisions. Your heart on the other hand is prone to leading you astray. But then of all people, as a psychology student, I know your head can also lead you astray. It’s like having an old coding system inside your brain that no longer applies in the 21st century. We live by old ideas, old lessons, old core beliefs, which really no longer apply to your life anymore. So if your head can lead you astray too which f**king one do you pick??
I’m trying to think back to all the things in my life that made me happiest, or at least most content within myself and I’m asking myself was it head or heart. Choosing psychology, despite the thought of me wasting 4 years of my life on a law degree I would never fully finish. Choosing escorting as a career, despite the entire worlds judgement of who you must be as a person to do that job and therefore the backlash and challenges I would face picking that career. Choosing my husband, despite my brain screaming that we were too different to last. Getting a dog, despite being a uni student who couldn’t afford much. Keeping my unplanned baby, despite the fear of everyone’s judgement, the fear I would fail, the fear it would destroy our relationship, the fear of being ultimately alone in raising my child. All these decisions have been the best ones I ever made and the ones that bought me the most happiness. Even though some of these decisions are no longer part of my life I still look back at them with such happiness and absolutely 0 regret. So does that mean it was heart? Do I choose heart to listen to?
Chicks, Dicks and Pricks 