Empty

Man I wish I was dumb sometimes. I know I sound arrogant saying that but damn it would be so nice. It would be nice for my brain just to accept things as they are rather than question everything. For my brain just to be happy with the basic small things, even the average things, rather than constantly wanting more. The kicker is my brain isn’t smart enough to be useful really. Further me in any sort of way, help me in a high paying career where I get paid for my brain rather than my looks, but it’s just smart enough to disrupt my daily happiness levels. Thanks brain!

I’ll be honest and say my life right now is nothing like I thought it would be 2 or 3 years ago. I thought I would have started my honors by now, maybe even be done, looking to get placement. I’d have built a decent escorting career that I could survive off working as little hours as possible a week while practicing psychology. I thought I’d be married, which did come true, but be madly deeply in love and having fun together, while also being enough for each other. No kids definitely not yet, that was a 30’s goal, and have some serious savings maybe an investment property under the belt.

Yet here I am 2 to 3 years on, starting to apply for honors so very much behind, no longer escorting, not even sugar dating, quickly running out of money due to corona virus restrictions, taking care of a baby 5 days a week while the hubby goes to work. 2 days of bubs being at daycare to do house work and maybe just maybe get some time for my husband and I to hang out just us or even if I’m really lucky spend a bit of time by myself. Oh and the occasionally 24 hrs of freedom once every 3 weeks to see my boyfriend to make each month worth the mundane struggle (I’ll discuss my poly relationship in the future, but now just isn’t the time). Yeah slightly different to how I pictured my 27 year old self.

It’s not the repetition, its not the lack of career, it’s not the money or the raising a child. It’s the questioning yourself on a daily. It’s the constant back and forth of what you want, what you’ll compromise and what happiness actually looks like to you. It’s the wondering how far you’ll be able to compromise yourself, how long you’ll ignore your wants and needs for, before you crack. It’s like this sick test I put myself through, wondering how far I can push myself, how much I can compromise, how much I can put everyone else first before I finally break and let go. It’s like I’m trying to prove that if I finally choose to let go and leave it all behind, it’ll be fair and okay, because I gave all I could. If I test and push myself at every chance, every corner, every opportunity, then when finally it comes, when finally I’ve had enough, it will be okay for me to say no more.

I know it probably doesn’t makes sense to most of you reading this and honestly I wish it made sense to me. I wish I could analyse the shit out of myself and understand why I play this f**ked up game with myself. I simply don’t know. I don’t get it. The best I can assume is… it’s because it’s who I am. It’s what i’m good at. I’m good at putting everyone else first. I’m good at pretending to be okay. I’m good at making others happy and making them feel good. I’m good at giving everyone else what I’m seeking but not good at figuring it out for myself. I’m too good at sacrificing and compromising myself. Maybe I even feel like it’s what I deserve, for some inexplicable reason. I’m just not sure I’ll ever get to the point where I actually want to change? The change that would mean actually changing myself fundamentally, changing who I am at my core that is causing all my unhappiness, my dissatisfaction, my loneliness and emptiness.

A few weeks ago I wrote and asked when enough would be enough. When you could finally decide to let go and say you’d given all you possibly had left to give. But what if the end is not you deciding that you are empty, that there is nothing left to give, but rather you becoming empty. Is that what it’s going to take? Will I have to become empty?