How do we become sexually aware? How through all the categories and sub-cultures of sex do we find that glass slipper? That shoe that fits just right. At the age of 27 I honestly feel like I am far from experiencing full sexual enlightenment, but if we had to measure it in percentage form I feel like I am at least 60% of the way there, I would hope, fingers crossed. When I considered the fact that my sexual journey only started 9 years ago I feel like I have made significant head way. I’ve gone from the sex depraved, sweet, christian girl, to the bisexual, poly, submissive, sexual deviant. I know which description I prefer.
It’s funny when you slowly start to work out who you are, there are those parts of you that you slowly begin to uncover and realise that’s just the way you are, and then there are those things you uncover which show you preferences. I would say I am innately bisexual, and polyamorous at my core. It is simply who I am. Whereas I would say I have a preference for BDSM. A strong preference perhaps. The Kink world and I were just meant to be best friends.
So for a while I have been wanting to write a blog on BDSM and my experience so far in that world, so I guess that day has finally arrived. So how did my journey down the BDSM rabbit hole begin?
I was 24 I was currently working at the rub ‘n’ tug in Melbourne, or I should say I was working as a sensual masseuses at the time. I had a first time client come see me, we hit it off fairly well and he later texted my work phone to go out with him that night. I broke my work rule of never dating someone I met through work. That night when he was driving me the 1 and half hour drive home from the gig he took me to, we started talking about porn, what stuff we were into etc, and soon it stumbled onto BDSM. I knew before then I’d always been curious, loved that kind of porn but having a dom sitting right next to me in a car, telling me all the kinky shit he had done to girls spoke directly to my crotch. So it began. The intense chemistry, the electricity, the adrenaline, the butterflies, the being on edge, the quick change from reality to play in a matter of seconds. I guess it was the mental play that I originally was drawn to, and the lack of control over how my body would react to merely someones words. But in the end it was seeing the pure pleasure in my dom’s eyes as I did everything they asked and wanted, that was what really got me. I learnt my pleasure was pleasing someone else. This sexual relationship taught me alot more about myself than it did BDSM but in all honesty it was not a healthy BDSM relationship. I look back now and I can’t decide if it’s a part of my life I appreciate because it taught me alot about myself or whether its a part I would prefer to completely erase. Maybe one day I will go into detail about what happened in that relationship, but today is not that day.
It was my next dom that taught me the most. He taught me the pleasure of being on edge all the time with cheeky thoughts, comments and challenges. The intensity of play without touching each other in public but then also the pure bliss of being tied up and left unable to move or retaliate against their actions in private. He taught me that cuming could be both pure bliss and pure torture. What’s the old saying? ‘Anything taken to the extreme is torture.’ Most importantly this dom taught me the value of being a sub. The power I had. The control that I had in all those sexual situations. He taught me about the mutual respect between partners, the giving, the taking and how the don’t always appear to be as they are. For example I was giving him permission to tie me to a table and spank me for his pleasure and he was taking this and in return he was giving me multiple orgasms and I was gladly taking that. It was about the give and take, the respect, the pleasure and pain. This man taught me how to have a real, functional, respectful BDSM relationship. I honestly still think of him quite fondly and really treasure the time we had together. It was a time that taught me so much about myself and the BDSM world.
The next dom taught me more about my proclivities in the BDSM world than anything else. He was the youngest dom I ever saw. I have a general tendency to be attracted to significantly older men, 40s is usually where I’m at, but anything above 35 will attract my attention. But this dom, well he was 29, super young for me but had the confidence and authority of someone much older. He was a challenge and I liked that. I wanted to please him in every way but it was never as easy as I thought it would be. In every way, not just sexual, I was trying to gain his approval. He was smart and he kept me on my toes. But his thing. His cup of tea, was sadism. He was and I guess still is a sadist. He liked to hurt me. Sexually of course he liked to give me pleasure and pain, mix the two so significantly that half the time my body was just feeling full extremes, one second an orgasm the next an arse melting stinging crack across my butt cheek. He taught me that I liked the challenge of dealing with pain. I liked trying to maintain my face, hide that what he was doing to me was killing and maintain that face hoping he wouldn’t break me. He wouldn’t get me to beg for mercy or reprieve!!!! … but somehow I always gave in and he got what he wanted… to know he was in control of my pleasure and pain. It was only a few weeks in to seeing him that I started to see too many controlling, mind fucking, anxiety causing signs that were apparent in my first BDSM relationship and I wasn’t about to take a stroll down memory lane. So it stopped. When it stopped I craved it. I missed it. The adrenaline. Like a junky desperate for her next fix…. but I couldn’t let myself go down that path again. Luckily shortly after that I started talking to my next dom, now boyfriend.
We started out the usual way. He wanted connection, I wanted kinky sex, we both wanted good banter. As stated this dom is now my boyfriend and still my dom and it’s always easier to reflect in hindsight of what you’ve learnt about yourself, but I will try. There are the obvious neon blaring signs of what he has taught me about myself outside of the sexual things but sticking purely to sexual awakening…. what has he taught me? He was the first dom I ever explored anal with, it was something I was wanting for so long, and there were so many times previously where it was discussed and just never came to fruition. But with this one, well he definitely enjoys it and well he’s definitely taught me how enjoyable and rewarding it can be too. The things he has made my body feel from a combination of different stimulation is just unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I’ll say it honestly he has made me an anal s**t. But he has also taught me one other much much more important thing about the BDSM world. He’s taught me the difference between good nervous sexual adrenaline and bad anxiety adrenaline. Before I didn’t know the difference but since being with him it’s amazingly obvious. The day before I’m going to see him I have butterflies in my stomach so nervous about seeing him and being in close proximity where I know the way he looks at me, the things he says will make me instantly putty in his hands. When he makes the sexual comments that remind your mind and your body of exactly what he can do to you, how he can make you feel…. they cause the nerves to start, the teeth to bite the lip and the eyes to divert away from his challenging gaze. The sexual nerves are there and when they aren’t they are just waiting to pop back out from a comment, a look, a touch, anything. But when I’m in his company there is relaxed time where I don’t feel like if I put one foot wrong I’ll regret it. I can be myself with him. I can be playful, smart, fun, silly, childish, even teasing, arrogant and petulant and I’m not scared of his reaction to it. He taught me that nervous sexual tension can exist without constant anxiety and fear. I guess he taught me that I could be in a relationship with someone who was a dominant, with someone who I did let dominate me in the bedroom but wouldn’t try dominate me in life. I guess therefore inadvertently he’s shown me how to have the healthiest BDSM relationship I’ve ever experienced.
So far I like where my journey has led me, and don’t get me wrong there’s still plenty of things I want to tick off the list but for now sexual awakening wise I’m content. I just wish more people would talk openly about their sexual preferences particularly BDSM. BDSM play/relationships have such a potential to go wrong, and I can’t help think if I had had someone to talk to openly about this lifestyle when I was new to it all, I would have known the BDSM relationship I was in then was not normal and was not okay. I think knowledge is power and when we place stigmas around certain things it limits knowledge accessibility and can often leave some, those who need it most, powerless.
Chicks, Dicks and Pricks 